If You Walk Out Of That Door
by jennifer snape
Summary: She shouts, he storms off, he returns.... But will she still be there waiting for him? Hermione and Severus oneshot.


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If You Walk Out of that Door

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"You're a coward!" Hermione cried, her chest rising and falling with emotion. Her eyes were now so thick with tears that she could barely see. Had she been able to, she would have registered the increasingly whitening face of the older wizard before her. "You can't even face up to your own feelings!" She was almost hysterical now. Her breaths escaped her in ragged gasps.

Severus froze on the spot, his thunderous glare focused on the ground of the disused bell tower where they both stood, unable to look at her.

Angered by his silence, the younger witch continued. "The only reason you're with her is because -" Hermione fought to choke back her sobs "- is because you'll never be in any danger of - of _loving_ her." Her voice broke as her throat constricted.

Severus' face paled at the words and he stiffened as if he had been slapped.

Hermione's gaze dropped to the ground; she was afraid to look at him - she knew she had gone too far. The tears that had been welling in her eyes cascaded down her cheeks, each one stinging her. As soon as the words left her mouth, she knew that the proud wizard standing before her would never – no, _could_ never – forgive her for speaking to him like this. A distant rumble echoed in the skies above, mirroring the storm that was brewing between the two professors.

Hermione's whole body trembled, disobeying her fierce determination not to let Severus see just how much he was hurting her. She turned away blindly from the man she fiercely loved with all her heart, cursing him for the unbearable pain she was feeling. Before she even realised what she was saying, a few last strangled words escaped her. "What you have isn't love…it's _convenience_." Hermione gasped at her own rudeness.

"ENOUGH!" Severus roared. How dare she speak to him in such a way? How _DARE_ she….

Not trusting himself to remain a moment longer, Snape swiftly pivoted on the spot, his heavy black robes slicing through the air. In the same fluid movement, he strode away from the broken shell of a girl now sinking to the floor behind him.

"I can't do this anymore Severus." Hermione's small voice piped through the darkness. " If you walk out of that door, you'll never see me again - "

Severus only quickened his pace, taking care to slam the door on his exit.

He just managed to make it before his knees gave way. Once removed from her view, he collapsed against the rough sandstone of the walls and allowed his true feelings to surface. Although he could barely admit it to himself, the reality of it was, Severus was scared. The very idea of giving himself to this young witch completely and putting himself in such a vulnerable position was more than he thought he could bear.

And it scared him to death.

He closed his eyes and leaned harder against the wall, an overwhelming need for support suddenly gripping him. The stone was so cooling against his forehead. God knows he needed something to counteract the searing throbbing in his temple. Severus held his head in his arms for a long moment, inwardly cursing himself.

'_Who am I kidding?_' he thought bitterly. She was right. Hermione was the only person he had ever truly cared for, and here he was pushing her away from him, substituting her with someone whom he knew he would never care for. She had every right to be angry.

She was right…. He _was_ a coward.

_Coward._

Her words still rang in his ears, taunting him.

He grimaced bitterly and hid his face in his trembling hands, barely remembering ever having felt so ashamed. The biting coldness of the air made Severus' body shiver, but it was nothing compared to the chill in his heart.

"Hermione…." The soft, desperate moan escaped his lips. She had no idea what she was doing to him. What she had always done to him ever since her return to Hogwarts as his teaching apprentice. Almost in spite of himself, he had grown to favour her presence, the soft manner in which she spoke, her brilliant mind. Hers was a subtle attraction, one that had crept up on Severus and encapsulated him before he had even begun to realise what was happening.

As the weight of his body pulled him slowly down the wall, the sleeve of his robes caught, revealing the black and grey insignia, all but worn away with time, on his left forearm. He shuddered as he grazed the barely visible outline of the dark mark with the fingers of his right hand, his mind reeling back to a time when nobody aside from himself and the Dark Lord had ever touched that part of him.

Although that chapter of his life was now behind him, Severus still hid the evidence from view, and along with it his terrible past. He always took care never to let his gaze wander to his left forearm, somehow believing that if he forced himself not to acknowledge it, it would not exist.

Until, that is, one day, but a few months ago, when Hermione had reached for his left hand and tentatively raised his sleeve. His instinct had been to jerk his arm away from her; he hadn't wanted her to see _this_ part of him. And yet she had held tightly, her delicate fingers locking around his wrist, ignoring the pleading look in his eyes. Her gaze had held his for a long moment, and then she raised his arm and slowly but firmly pressed her lips to the mark. And in that sweet moment, he had known.

He knew that she accepted him – _all_ of him.

He hadn't even realised just how many suppressed emotions he had been harbouring, hidden from even himself, until the wave of release had washed over him in that very instant, and he had clung to her tightly, letting every painful memory, every unshed tear escape him. Everything that he had been unable to let go of alone, everything that had prevented him from even trying to find peace with himself, had suddenly rushed to the surface. When he finally drew back from her tight embrace, he realised that the softness in her eyes, as she caressed his marked arm against the side of her face, was all the forgiveness he ever needed.

He sighed heavily. Why did things have to be so difficult? If only she hadn't returned to Hogwarts. If only he hadn't had to work so closely with her.

_If only he didn't love her._

Suddenly a light switched on in Severus' mind, and everything became clearer. That was it. He _loved_ her.

A split second was all it took for Severus to realise what he had to do – he had been a fool for far too long. He slowly straightened his tall, broad frame and turned around. This was it. He would finally allow himself to take a chance and let himself love her. He could feel his fingers shaking and it took a good few minutes for his laboured breathing to return to its normal steady rate. When he was satisfied his knees could bear his weight, he retraced his steps, his pace gradually quickening as he neared the door, as he neared _her_. He burst into the room he had occupied only moments before, ready to let her into his arms, ready to jump off the deep end and never look back –

- and she was gone.

Severus' breathing quickened, panic flashing in his eyes. "Hermione!" he shouted.

Nothing.

If you walk out of that door, you'll never see me again. 

"Hermione!"

He repeated his cry, each syllable cutting his throat, his eyes desperately scanning the room for any sign of her.

But the only answer he received was a cruel echo.

And in that moment he knew that he had lost her.


End file.
